(16) Pepper and Salt

16) Pepper and Salt

I'm back at this!




Baby don't run from me
I won't run from you

Stay in this heat

Work this thing through

Heal me with your brokenness

And I’ll heal you with mine

Heal me with tears and sweat

As our bodies intertwine

Animal out on a limb

I need to be seen

Touch me again

Give me what I need

We're guilty of so many hurts

You bring out all of my faults

We are fire and earth

pepper and salt

I like it just spicy enough

It heats up the roof of my mouth

That heat takes a whole lotta trust

Hesitation tastes just like doubt

Baby don't run from me

I won't run from you

Stay in this heat

Work this thing through

Heal me with your brokenness

And I’ll heal you with mine

Heal me with tears and sweat

As our bodies intertwine

Animal out on a limb

I need to be seen

Touch me again

Give me what I need

We're guilty of so many hurts

You bring out all of my faults

We are fire and earth

pepper and salt

And  nothing is black or white

we say mean things we don't mean

what's right goes wrong in the night

I'm sorry that I can't sleep

I need sweet relief

From our spicy heat

Our salty energy

(GUITAR BREAK)

Baby don't run from me

I won't run from you

Stay in this heat

Work this thing through

(15) I Plan Too Much

Everything I thought I knew
None of it is coming true
And it isn't anyone's fault
ohhhh but it hurts

You won't wear a bridesmaid dress
The wedding plans are a mess
I thought I had a plan
Had one since we were ten
My visions and expectations are upside down
What are they worth, now?

I know I plan too much

But all the pinky swears and  promises
the double dares and daring plans
Was none of it real?
I'm trying to understand

All the dreams we whispered on the trampoline
Remember when we were giggling
high up there on on your round rope swing
then we found the fairy colony
in that tree stump in the aspen trees?

I know I plan too much

I don't need you in the wedding
I don't need a wedding at all
I am strong and independent
I'll let those old traditions fall
I'm writing my own story
You're writing your own too
I'm glad for your new baby
she'll need you more than I do

Those gold friendship necklaces we wore
were cracked apart
Your piece joined to mine
we were perfectly designed
for that time
Our friendship will always
live deep down in my heart

I know I plan too much

(13) Broken Dishes

It's incredible how many memories my mom's sake set and my grandpa's tea cups hold. The memories they hold are more important then their ability to hold food or drink.

I am moving next week and beginning to consider what I can let go of, both on the shelves and in my own soul.

At 13 songs now...I hope for another 1 or 2 today.... 13 more days! But if I don't make it by June 4th, fine, because this is for me.

Love from Mindy

There is a gallery of broken dishes at our house

Each one is like a shining hope transformed into a doubt

You bound them up with rubber bands and set them on the shelf

I’ll fix them when I can, you said, I don’t need any help

It’s time to let them go

There will be more broken dishes

It’s time to let them go

Just like all of our near misses

Let them go

We broke one of the sake cups my mom bought long ago

We cracked off some porcelain, black hair, yellow kimonos

Mom got it in England but it was made in Japan

You say someday you’ll glue it back together again

It’s time to let them go

There will be more broken dishes

It’s time to let them go

Just like all of our near misses

Let them go

The handles on the teacups didn’t want to stay attached

They came off during accidents or another shouting match

Blue snowflakes dance across the edge of those chipped white cups

My grandpa gave me those and I miss him oh so much

It’s time to let them go

There will be more broken dishes

It’s time to let them go

Just like all of our near misses

Let them go

There’s a gallery of broken dishes at our house

Each one is like a shining hope transformed into a doubt

Come my love, let’s take them all on down from the shelf

My love you are forgiven and now I need your help

(12) Look Closer

After seeing Fruitvale station, I've been thinking about my own prejudices. The ones that are way down deep that I don't mean to have, but do. Here's the 12th..


I want to look closer at you
I want to look closer at you
If I look closer at you
maybe you will stop and look closer at me too

I confess I have only skimmed the surface
I haven't really seen what's underneath
I confess I was afraid that you would hurt us
that's why I have not dared to look beneath

I want to look closer at you
I want to look closer at you
If I look closer at you
Maybe you will stop and look closer at me too

I confess I feel some trepidation
Opening my wounds for you to see
I am sure we'll have nervous conversation
As our tender trust begins to breathe

I want to look closer at you
I want to look closer at you
If I look closer at you
Maybe you will stop and look closer at me too

I declare this your holy invitation
To reach around the bounds of hate and fear
I declare this your blessed inspiration
To open up your eyes and your ears

The divine in me wants to touch the divine in you

(11) The Committee of Sleep

11. Same day as 10. Now we might be getting somewhere...




The committee of sleep
Mine
Meets every night between
my dark purple sheets
trasforming rough dead bard
into soft green moss cool to the the touch
ONLY
lately
The committee of sleep
seems to be going out for breakfast at 2 am
Leaving me alone
I can smell the maple syrup
they are pouring over their
buckwheat waffles
The smell is heavy
it's sweet and strong
But I cannot eat

I do not feel like eating
Instead I lie between the sheets
rustling -

My body becomes a coiled spring
ready to explode

Next to me lies a sleeping buddha
peaceful until I wake him up with my rustling
my wandering toe or my pound of the pillow
The smell becomes sour -

I lie itchy, wishing it was morning

desperate

Come back committee of sleep
All I do is think about
how dirty these sheets are
All I can do is go mad
until morning

Tomorrow night
I hope I'll be so tired that the committee of sleep
will not want to go out for waffles without me
I thought they were on my side
I think they are
But I miss the early mornings
getting up with the dawn

When my sleep committee refuses to remain present
I face the mornings wanly
at 9 or 10 am
Feeling shocked and sheepish that
it happened once again

It's hard

There are so many breakfast places
the sleep committee wants to try

All I can do is try again

(10) Birds Sang, then I slept

10. Sleep theme. Getting less afraid of the critic. That is all.




Last night I didn't sleep until the birds sang
Early in the morning, almost dawn
I laid awake they sang outside my window
And my thoughts tumbled low and deep and long

In the wee, small hours of the morning
I live through all my terrors and my dreams
What once was comfort's now's restriction
as I toss and turn under wadded sheets

My partner lays beside me like a buddha
I don't want to disturb but still I do
It's just that I feel hot and helpless
when you can sleep and I'm stuck watching you

In the wee, small hours of the morning
I live through all my terrors and my dreams
Through every promise that's been broken
and every itchy hurt that's in between

Last night I couldn't sleep until the birds sand
Early in the morning, almost dawn
In a way I admit that I was grateful
for the meant the dark night was almost gone

1/3 of the way...

(9) Dear Rejection...

9. That is all. And this little ditty...this little personification of "Rejection."

M

Dear Rejection…

Ah rejection dear rejection

Dear sweet rejection

Please don’t talk down to me

Don’t push me down the slope

And please do take note

My muse and I just eloped

We’re makin’ better things now

Than you ever have known

I will not be here

Hope it’s not too cold alone

Ah rejection dear rejection

Dear sweet rejection

Please don’t talk down to me

Don’t push me down the slope

And please do take note

My muse and I just eloped

Me and my muse

We’re going on a honeymoon

We’ll rub our feet on the sandy beach

We’ll stay up all night if we like
We'll eat escargot if it floats our boat

We’ll sleep in with all our might

Ah rejection dear rejection

Dear sweet rejection

Please don’t talk down to me

Don’t push me down the slope

And please do take note

My muse and I just eloped

Dear rejection --

So sad you cannot see a sunrise this bright

Spoken: Wish you were here

(8) Wilderness

Suddenly I'm at 8 songs... this is my first two-song posting day. (!)

This is one of those scribblings in a journal from a couple years ago that wouldn't leave me alone. First I just had some of the words and I sang them on a porch for someone who I don't think liked it very much. But even then, I didn't care. This is one of those songs that I never cared what anyone thought about it and still don't really. In it, I affirm my right to go into the wilderness to figure out who I really am. I affirm my right to run away, when necessary. And yours, too.

I am ready for the wilderness
And I am not ashamed
I cannot be tamed
I'm not done
I've found some kindness in the wilderness
Wild mothers pour their gifts
I want to give you some of this
When you come

I am runnin' away and runnin' towards
Runnin' away and runnin' towards
I am runnin' away and runnin' towards
I am runnin' away and runnin' towards

So come and find me in the wilderness
I am drinking from this spring
I am taking everything as it comes
There's forgiveness in the wilderness
My arms around this oak
The trees become my cloak
and I run

I am runnin' away and runnin' towards
Runnin' away and runnin' towards
I am runnin' away and runnin' towards
I am runnin' away and runnin' towards

And I don't know where I'm going but that's okay
I don't know where I going but that's okay
Step by step I'm finding my way

I'm not hiding in the wilderness
I am gathering some food
I am searching out the clues to
where I'm from
There is darkness in the wilderness
but I can hear my voice
better without the noise
and the sun

I am runnin' away and runnin' towards
Runnin' away and runnin' towards
I am runnin' away and runnin' towards
I am runnin' away and runnin' towards

And I don't know where I'm going but that's okay
I don't know where I going but that's okay
Step by step I'm finding my way

(7) You will Find Your Way

Dear Listeners,

Here is number 7. I was working on the song about antifractuosity, but then this came out. I'm having serious thoughts about embarking on a real adventure next year that involves lots of mountains, desert, lakes, rivers and yes, bears and ticks for sure. That plan and this new song are works in progress...just like me. :-)

You will find

You will find your way

You might not see just how

Keep walking just the same

Put one foot ahead of the other

Sisters and Brothers let’s go

One step forward around the bend

What view will you see then? Who knows.

You will find

You will find your way

You might not see just how

Keep walking just the same

There are secret mountains

turquoise lakes with fountains

carved from the rocks and the wood

And you have to go find them

You have to go find them

Even if no one thinks you should

You’re not most frightened of the ticks or the bears

Don’t abandon your dreams and give in to fear

You can wade through the rivers you don’t have to drown

You can hike ‘cross the ice chutes without slipping down

You will find

You will find your way

You might not see just how

Keep walking just the same

And if you’re gonna quit

Do it on a sunny day

And if you’re gonna quit

Do it when your blisters heal

And if you’re gonna quit

Do it when you’ve quenched your thirst

Regret lasts a long lonely time

You will find

You will find your way

You might not see just how

Keep going just keep going

Follow the path

(6) Scarred Places

Every other day. That's what I've got to aim for now. But this is really not about perfect gems the whole point of the this is to get away from my inner critic...so I declare that fragments are okay. Single lines are ok. Older songs that I've reworked are ok. You are ok, no matter what anyone says. :-)

The places that are scarred
wind up harder than they were
before the fall
oh-oh- ohhh

The places that are scared
wind up harder than they were
before the fall
oh-oh- ohhh

So now instead averting my eyes
when I go by
the building where I was hurt
I will hold my head up high
I'll gaze proud and smirk

I'm not hard
I'm strong
I'm not hard
I'm bold
I'm not hard
I'm strong
I'm not hard
I'm bold.

(5) The Lightning Show

I said to Eric yesterday, early early in the morning, "I can still do it. It's only April 5th." Eric said, "Yes. You can. Especially if they aren't are perfect gems..." Here's 5 out of 30... 60 more days left for 25 more songs....

I don’t know what I think about God these days

I don’t know who to trust or when to be afraid

because sometimes my intuition’s wrong

That’s why I had to write this song

But what I truly know I know

Is that I used to watch the lightning show

The dust kicks up in the desert suburb

I’m called inside by my brown-haired mother

The wind chimes start goin' crazy mad

I’ll wait on the porch with my silver-haired dad

As the mountains get shrouded with purple clouds

We smell the rain before it ever comes down

We swimming in the pregnant air there’s fire up there

There’s sparks in the purple clouds and in my static hair

It was better than ice cream, better than TV,

perched on the sofa watchin' the lightning show

 from my family’s picture window

I think that the lightning show comes

With all its thunder

To say: You can be loud you are allowed to blunder

 To prove it’s ok to be speak out

And I think God telling me it’s allowed

She’s saying: Everyone should be able to speak out

He’s saying: Girls like you should be allowed to be loud

You are allowed to pour to weep to flash and to explode

 to crash to rumble and to moan

You are allowed run away or you can stay

You are allowed to have false alarms and to find the right arms to keep you warm

You are allowed to change your mind any any old time

And if you are wrong you're still allowed to write your songs 

Sometimes your intuition fails

And you are left, shivering in the hail

But you are still allowed to be loud

Everyone should be able --- to speak out

It was better than ice cream, better than TV,

perched on the sofa watchin' the lightning show

 from my family’s picture window

(4) The Mountain

Hello Listeners,

I'm writing you from a little town close to Santa Cruz, called Felton. We are staying with friends for a few days while we record some songs for our upcoming album. It feels like a magical fairy retreat, the tall trees spiraled with little white lights and dark wood rafters on the ceiling. Our host made us a salad the other night and pulled some miner's lettuce right out of her backyard to complete it. Each day we've driven up a windy road lined with redwoods to get to a recording studio hidden in the green trees. We got a lot done in the last two days, including modifying the last verse of this older song of mine, which makes it a new song (it feels new now!) and a co-write.

Last night it rained all night and I slept so sound. This song is the fourth of thirty, 13.33%. I hope there is more coming. It's all beginning to flow more easily. I can't wait to see the rocky mountains this summer on tour. But for today, I'm content with the redwoods and the rain, the friends and good coffee...some writing, some yoga and computer work...

I have to move a mountain
by tomorrow night
And I don't feel ready
My shoes fit too tight
The heat here doesn't work
You're still here so is all the hurt

And I cannot move mountains
But they cannot move me
The age-old fight I'm fierce and bright
I'm working working to find out what we need

I'll have to climb the mountain
I can't move it all at once
But I can climb and I can find a mine
Go deep for the treasure I am seeking

I'm climbing up the mountain
On my own two feet
I'm here right now on trembling knees
I'm working working to find out what we need
I'm working working to follow where you lead

(3) Come Out, Come Out

So, suddenly I'm at %10. Ok, moving on along... I have about 5 more songs that I just need to get down in a rough form like what's here. No, not perfection, just some thoughts about opening up and coming out of hiding and facing the things I perceive as being dangerous and scary.

Give me an open heart

O my Creator

Give me an open heart – and mind

I have spent too long

Hiding from the dangers

I want to come out now – It’s time

Come out, Come out wherever you are

Come out, Come out, Come out

Come out, Come out, wherever you are

Wherever you are, come out

Give me an open heart and clear sight to see what really is

Give me the courage to let go of what I cannot nourish

Give me an open heart

O my Creator

Give me an open heart – and mind

I have spent too long

On jealousy and anger

I want to come out now – It’s time

Come out, Come out wherever you are

Come out, Come out, Come out

Come out, Come out, wherever you are

Wherever you are, come out

(2) Momma's Old Robe (Mom Power)

Hello Listeners,

So, here is song number 2 about a month after song number 1. I know, I know. How am I going to get to 30 songs by 30 (June 4th, 2014) at this rate? Well. I'm going to keep trying. I'm putting a little more time crunch on myself and hoping that that will help. No, I didn't do that on purpose! I intended to have at least 5 or 6 songs up by this point. I've worked on five or six songs since I posted the other, but I guess songs just like life and just like people...take their own sweet time sometimes.

My family gets the first songs because I promised them songs for Christmas. This one is for my mom. I love you Mom. I made sure to use an imperfect recording, taken with my iPhone as I sit here at my gold desk in my work alcove. It's raining in Berkeley today. It's a work-in-progress. Enjoy. I'm enjoying making it.

Mama Mama

I never stop seeing you there

In my favorite thing to wear

Your old terrycloth bathrobe I love it so

It’s really grown quite ragged lilac turning grey  

Ratty shabby shaggy but I love it anyway

Cause I see you in me in the mirror

Robed in faded lilac standing there

To see your signature sparkle come about

I just smile at myself so my dimples come out

I am you with some of me mixed in

Being in your robe’s like being in your skin

Your scent and mine combine within

You gave a new blue fleece robe for Christmas

It’s long and warm and such a nice gift but

This new one has a tag from Eddie Bauer

and the old one has the mom power

I wear it early in the mornin and late into the night

when I put the kettle on and turn off the kitchen light

I will wear slippers but I rarely wear my socks

as I creep outside in your robe to my mailbox

And I keep all the little notes you send me

Like “hope you enjoy setting up housekeeping.”

I wear your robe everyday

Don’t know what I’ll do when it breaks

I see you in me in the mirror

Robed in faded lilac standing right there

To see your signature sparkle come about

I just smile at myself so my dimples come out

I am you with some of me mixed in

Being in your robe’s like being in your skin

You scent and mine combine within

I wear your robe everyday

Don’t know what I’ll do when it breaks

Mama Mama

Harder than I thought

In-Between

It's harder than I thought
Now that I've applied the pressure
I got a little hot
A little feverish
No, not tonight, sorry
I don't feel well
I can't find the time in-between
to mean what I want to mean
with these words

My time is thick
How can I get out from under it?

A good friend says
"Make it a sketchbook
And then share it later
It's hard to produce
When all the pressure
is on you"
It's true
wise words
wise woman

My broken tea kettle
is not going to whistle
if I don't fix it first

Or maybe
if I just set it on the heat
creep away
and eat
a hard-boiled egg
(protein is always good for breakfast)
suddenly it will whistle
loud enough
to wake the whole house

(1) Song for Chris

Song for Chris

I can’t protect you anymore

You make your own decisions

and weather your own storm

We’re not friends in the same way now

We’re no longer childhood playmates

Building huts around the house

You’re still my little brother

Born when I was four

When you stand there crying

Bruised at my back door

I see the little boy with oval glasses

Outer space was once his passion

I can’t protect you anymore

You fight your own battles now

and open your own doors

I never could catch you when you fell

Broke your collar bone and your heart

But my heart broke as well

You’re still my little brother

Born when I was four

When you stand there crying

Bruised at my back door

I see the little boy with oval glasses

Outer space was once his passion

I can’t protect you anymore

Go and make your own mistakes

and weather your own storm

I can’t take away the bruises that you get

I can’t stop your lips from quivering

When you lose control of it

My wish for you

However low you get

Don’t let the light in your eyes go out

My wish for you
However low you get
Don't let the light in your eyes go out